So You Had An Ugly Breakup. Here’s What I’m Not Going to Do by The Coffin Girl

I’m not going to pick sides between you and your ex. Especially if we were all friends before your breakup.

I’m not going to carefully re-arrange my invite lists around your breakup.

I’m not going to join you in trash-talking your ex (my friend).

I’m not going to change my expectation that you act like an adult at adult functions. Even if your ex is present. Even if he brought his new girlfriend.

Here’s what I will do:

I will support you! I’ll spend time with you, watch romcoms, share a bottle of wine or whatever will help you as you’re moving on.

I’ll understand if you have to decline my invitations or leave early.

I’ll listen if you need to rant!

I’ll be there for you as best I can. a shoulder if you need one, a sounding board, a listening ear, we can even go out into the backyard and break stuff, if that will help. 🙂 But I won’t damage relationships and experiences with others because of an ugly breakup.

This article was kindly lent to Utah TNG by TheCoffinGirl

Here is the original writing on fetlife.

Yes, I am a submissive… By MWsFairDaisy

That does not mean I can’t think for myself, or have my own opinions and own thoughts.
It means that I have my own mind, and am willing to use this to serve another.

It does not mean that I will let anyone and everyone do as they wish to me.
It means that I will give my submission to someone who earns it from me, who shares respect with me, who I click with.

It does not mean that I will not question things or actions I don’t believe are right.
I still have my own principles and morals and can disagree when I feel I should.

It does not mean that I will blindly follow any order.
I will serve as best I can, but if I think something is wrong, or do not wish to do it, I will speak up.

It does not mean that I am not a whole person.
I am just as complex as the next person, but I am willing and wanting to surrender the whole of myself to serve another.

It does not mean that I am not strong, or independent.
I am stronger than most know, I have to be to give my all. I am fiercely independent, I am just choosing to give my submission.

It does not mean that you can look down on me.
*I am your equal, my mind is wired slightly differently to yours, I enjoy different things, but I am not beneath you. Opposite, but equal by Belasarius

Don’t take my submissive nature as a given, do not assume any less of me. Yes, I am a submissive, but first and foremost, I am a person.

This article was kindly lent to us by MWsFairDaisy

Here is the original writing on Fetlife.

 

To the NEW Girl- Mentorship By Scarlett13

If you know everything, this piece will bore you.

First of all, welcome to the new girl. I hope your journey here wasn’t as confusing as mine was. Here’s a little bit of personal experience to any new person to the lifestyle. There are a lot of big bad wolves out there, who might be looking for a tasty treat in the forest just as there are a whole bunch of little Red Riding Hoods, who might not know you have power to not be made a snack. To start, learn as much as you can about the things you are interested in. Soak it all up. Take your time.

So, some night a long, long time ago, I began surfing the net. I found subsfordoms. I found Domsforsubs. I found Alt. No. No. No. It just wasn’t right and I knew it. Then the skies opened, the angels sang, the trumpets blared and I came across Fetlife. I was “newbutwilling” and I was ready to SERVE…dammit!

I was invited by all kinds of kinky masters to train me. They would dominate and control when I was allowed to come, urinate, eat and hydrate. Every facet of my life would be under their watchful internet eye. They would teach me what it took to worship, serve, obey. I thought, “Okay…now we’re getting somewhere”. They were creepy dudes from states you try not to drive through. They were from all kinds of new and exotic places. No pictures. No information on their profiles about themselves. Just hundreds of female friends with amazing pussy and nipple clamp shots. Immediate demands. I was to never ask questions, but devote all my trust in them and their super masterly powers.

Then one day, out of the blue I got a message. “Hey, my name is so-and-so, welcome to Fet.” I was very excited to get more than just a “hit your knees you cunt” message. Here’s how the rest of it went.

“My wife and I saw that you are “newbutwilling”. You must certainly be making a lot of new friends. They clearly knew I was. “How would you feel about meeting us for dinner or coffee and maybe having us share some of our experience about how we found the scene and how we connected our kink to nurture the relationship that we have built?” Key words I had not considered up until this point: “Sharing”, “Connected”, “relationship”. Up until that point, I was living with many assumptions. I agreed to have dinner with them. They were the first kinksters I’d ever met! I was thrilled that at last…All my dreams would come true!

I instantly began absorbing what their dynamic looked like. It had taken them YEARS from the time they met to where I had met up with them. Theirs was a gradual development of trust, communication, honesty and willingness on both their parts to sacrifice and compromise. “You mean, this isn’t a find your dom without knowing anything about him or myself?”

It took time for the two of them to learn how to interact where it served both of them equally. “Wait, so I have to patiently wait while developing my own sense of who I am, what I’m about and what I really want?” He was a gentleman. She acted like a lady. She looked up to him. She adored him. He never said a harsh word. This wasn’t a matter of him bossing her around. He clearly cared about her well-being and not just getting laid. It was obvious that he adored her as much, if not more. He ordered. We talked.

They asked me really humiliating questions like “are you willing to…(insert wackadoo idea that someone may have or never had come up with). They didn’t ask me to embarrass me; they asked because those were ideas that actually transpired where one person in the dynamic was pleased and one ended up in the hospital, or the police department pressing charges.

The conversation continued.
“What are you really looking for?” “Do you know what you want?” “Well…I….”
“Do you know what negotiation means?” “Do you know what a hard limit is?”
“Do you feel safe in saying you are not comfortable with something?”
“Are you comfortable with anonymous meetings or would you like to have an intimate partnership”. “Do you know all that goes into the Master/Servant dynamic?” “There is a difference between M/s and D/s ya know”, and the conversation went on. Well, no…I didn’t know any of that.

The truth is, as it turned out, I knew nothing. I knew I had a kinky mind. I knew I wanted someone who could work my largest sex organ. I knew that finding other people who “lived” this lifestyle was like coming home. As it turns out, that’s all I knew. For some women not wearing a bra in public is kinky. For some it looked like hard-core impact play. Do I even like pain? I honestly did not know.

“If you’d like, we’d be happy to help you navigate. You can see if submission is “really” who you are or if it’s a bedroom dynamic and by the way, here are some directions to start you on your path”. They gave me a list of daily challenges. The first was to change my handle to a less “willing” name. The next was to call regularly. They provided a book that introduced terms and definitions and other pertinent information. For fun they gave a checklist of things for me to review and check off as yes, no, maybe and NEVER. There were a LOT of nevers when I first was introduced. I listed them as mentors. Both of them. A dominant male and his submissive bride.

Soon, the “hit your knees cunt” messages ended. I no longer received friend requests by the dozens. They suggested I attend groups for submissives. I thought to myself, how am I ever gonna meet my one twue Dom by hanging out with a bunch of submissive women? What? Knitting? Surely that is NOT my thing! But, it was to hear the experience of others. And to slow my ass down from sub frenzy to cool, calm, collected decision maker. It was to learn from their mistakes and greatest achievements. Meeting HIM wasn’t as important as figuring out who I really was. I wanted to nurture the submissive side of myself first because the person I’m guaranteed to have to live with till death is ME.

The mentorship didn’t last long. I wasn’t able to comply with the daily tasks. There were too many distractions in my daily life. My family and work HAD to come first and life was just punching the gas pedal pretty hard. And, as a good Dominant, he had put firm boundaries in place and it was up to me to adhere or bow out. Here was an invaluable lesson on firm boundaries and a real sense of discipline. Mind officially blown! I wasn’t running “that” show, that much was clear! All that to say that I am eternally grateful that there were people out there who cared enough about the integrity of the community and the safety of the new girl.

What I learned from the brief experience was paramount to a safe and fun experience. I really DID learn to just not trust any Tom, Dick or Harry that professed to be a Twue Dom …online…with my body, mind and emotional state. I learned the differences between dynamics. I learned how to ask for what I wanted, wait until it’s the right time and do it safely. I learned to nurture curiosity, ask as many questions without being a pain in the ass and learn as much as I could about as many subjects as I could.

I learned I could say no. I learned about creating and upholding my own boundaries. I learned that my safety was not only his responsibility. It was mine as well. I learned that the community is important for recognizing the reputations of certain people and if those people refused to be a part of, then to proceed with caution. I learned to inform myself as best as possible and know what I want versus what I need.

To this day, I consider many people on Fet to be great mentors. I know pillars of both sides of the slash. I am never afraid to ask anyone for anything. I never did find my one twue dom, but what I received in exchange is invaluable to me. Open relationships with people of all kinds. I’ve gained a level of acceptance of people’s differences. I can look at that and say, “that’s cool for you” and be happy that you’re getting your kicks.

So, if you’re new and you have a lot of questions, I would suggest getting a mentor. The relationship and experience will be well worth the time you spend looking for who you are and what you want.

THANK YOU…EVERYONE…for your amazing responses and feedback.
K&P because YOU all took it there!

Be safe out there. 🙂

This article waws kindly lent to Utah TNG by Scarlett13

Here is the original writing on Fetlife.

The more you ask, the safer I feel By Mr.O

A few days ago, someone said in a message “I hope you don’t mind that I’ve asked around about you”.

I don’t mind at all. In fact, it makes me feel better. The more someone asks about me, the more it shows me they are sane and like to play safe.

The same goes for questions people ask me. Everything a potential partner asks me makes me feel safer about playing with them.

As a top my risks are different. I might not have to worry about someone tying me up and abusing me in ways I didn’t agree to, but I do have to think about whether or not someone is really giving me their informed consent. I need to know that they take their own health and safety seriously – how can I expect someone to care about me if they don’t show any signs of caring for themselves?

Some questions I like to hear:

  • How long have you been doing this type of play?
  • What can go wrong?
  • How did you learn how to do it?
  • Who else have you done this with?
  • Have you ever had a problem and injured someone?
  • What will you do if something goes wrong?

On the other hand, NOT asking certain questions will make me very nervous. Especially someone who doesn’t show any interest or concern in my safer sex practices, that is a red flag for me that will usually end the negotiations.

Within very general limits I can do pretty much whatever I want to with my partners – but we didn’t start off that way. At first we went through very detailed negotiations, and over time trust was built up both ways. It has come about from me repeatedly doing what I said I would do, and them continuously showing me they were giving me their informed consent to do so.

 This article was kindly lent to Utah TNG by Mr.O

Here is the original writing on fetlife.

Humiliation vs Shame vs Embarrassment vs Objectification vs Degradation by MrsB

I happen to be married to a really perverted guy. When he and I met, he let me explore the limits of my libido for the first time (so far, no known limits; expanding along with the universe), and showed me how to let myself be a really, really perverted gal. I was new to kink, and his kink informed my own in a very formative way. So as a result, I like to play with other really, really perverted guys and gals.

One of the really perverted things I have been both drawn to and repelled by(*) is that type of play we kinky people call Humiliation. I’ve met lots of people into Humiliation Play in the last decade, and I’ve discovered that no two bottoms/subs/slaves/littles/pets mean quite the same thing when they use that term. It’s more of an umbrella term for lots of different types of emotionally submissive play. Under that umbrella are humiliation, shame, embarrassment,degradation, and objectification. (I may have left some out. Let me know if I have.)

What I’ve discovered is that it’s not enough to tell someone that you’re into Humiliation and leave it at that. Most tops/doms/daddies/mistresses/owners I meet have a more general understanding of the kind of play that lies under that umbrella term. I’ve tried for years to explain why I like certain kinds of Humiliation and not other kinds, and I have yet to satisfy myself or any of my potential play partners, so I’ve shied away from that kind of play with others for fear of a Bad Experience.

I don’t want to shy away from it anymore. So this is really a personal exercise for me to define what I think each of the following terms means, whether I want it, and under what circumstances. I hope other people find it useful, too, since I’ve noticed I’m not the only person who has trouble finding the right language to talk about this stuff.

Humiliation

To humiliate: to cause a painful loss of pride, self-respect, or dignity

I love everything about this definition. As both a submissive/bottom type player, and a Dominant/Top type player. It’s masochistic (“painful loss”); it fulfills power exchange goals; it allows for all kinds of delicious creativity. To use this term in a discussion with a play partner is an invitation to get to know each other better. Find out what makes the other person tick. What do you fear? What do you crave? Why? What are your neuroses? What do you want, need, despise? What do you spend lots of time thinking about? It’s not enough to say someone is into humiliation – each person has different sources of pride, self-respect, and dignity. Find out what they are. Then find out what is the healthiest way to take it away from them.

Which brings me to what I view as the sub-sets of Humiliation:

Shame

Shame: The painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, etc, done by oneself

This, for me, is the most explosive, potentially hot, and also potentially toxic one. It’s tricky; it’s dangerous. It’s awfully closely related to guilt, and more importantly, self-worth. I love to feel ashamed in a scene. It makes me really, really hot. This bothered me for a long time. There I was, an intelligent, educated, modern woman and feminist, with plenty of shame issues to overcome in her day-to-day life (as every woman does), and feeling ashamed in a scene made my pussy dripping wet. This in and of itself, I thought, was shameful. (A viciously hot cycle for anyone who could figure it out.) I took lots of time to think about this. It was a process. I’ve worked it out for myself now, and I’m OK with how I am and why this works for me.

BUT! There is a big But here for me. I only consent to this kind of play with people I trust, because sometimes I carry the shame with me beyond the scene. This is something I do not want. I know there are people who like to hold on to the shameful feeling they get in a humiliation scene; they want to enjoy it, feel it linger, process it. More power to them. I don’t know how they do it. For me, it’s not healthy. I have no interest in emotional masochism outside of play. I view shame as a very personal thing. It is related to our own self-images, our self-esteem, how valuable we view ourselves as people. One feels ashamed of oneself. We are each our own harshest critic. We internalize it. It can warp us.

There are lots of ways to prevent this from happening. I need evidence that you care about me despite my exposed flaw. If I don’t get some kind of validation from my play partner either during or after a scene involving shame, I may end up hating something about myself, and/or hating the person who made me feel that way. I don’t want to resent myself or my partners. The best validation for me is a hard cock/swollen pussy. Let me touch it. Fuck me. Have an orgasm brought on by my humiliation. It proves to me that you are just as fucked up as I am, in your own perverted way. That’s my aftercare. Then, check in with regularity in the days after. Continue to be my friend/lover/partner. That way I know you, the person I care about and trust, are OK with my flaws, you embrace them even, and I don’t have to beat myself up about it.

Embarrassment

To embarrass: To cause to feel confusion or self-consciousness; to disconcert; to fluster. Embarrassment usually refers to a feeling less painful than that of shame, one associated with less serious situations, often of a social nature

Embarrassment is like Shame’s exhibitionist cousin. One cannot be embarrassed without an audience. When you have chocolate on your face, and you don’t realize it until after you’ve given a 90-minute presentation to your colleagues – that’s embarrassing. If you got chocolate on your face at home, and happened to notice it in the mirror 2 hours after you ate the chocolate, that’s just realizing you should wipe your face.

If I’m subbing to you and you want to really take the humiliation to another level, put it in front of an audience to add embarrassment to the shame. But beware that I will most likely get defensive in front of those voyeuristic fuckers over there whom I don’t trust. If you want to see angry/bratty/snarky MrsB, this is the way to go. I will threaten to kick you in the nuts. I will call you a fucking asshole. I might step on your toe with my stiletto, or do something to fuck up your perfect rigging. I will provoke you. I know full well what the consequences are. Scenes like that can be cathartic and fun, but they’ll be very different from scenes in the privacy of home. I can’t get embarrassed if it’s just you and me.

If you really want to break me, do a humiliation scene complete with embarrassment in front of an audience, and then tell me that if I talk back you’ll stop playing with me. I will do one of two things: shut down quietly, or break down explosively. BEWARE: this kind of scene may have a Bad Ending. I don’t want the scene to end when I break down. I want to push past it. I will feel like a failure because you are setting me up do to something that’s close to impossible for me. The trick is to make me feel like I’m not a failure. I need a reward for my efforts. Let me have some success after my total failure. See above re: swollen genitals and orgasms. Or (less ideally but still good) give me a task you know I can complete, and let me complete it. Let me please you.

Now, onto something very different:

Degradation

To degrade: To reduce in worth, honor, strength, character, rank, status, etc.

This, to me, is the essence of Power Exchange. I find it difficult to be satisfied in play without some kind of degradation involved. WHAT is reduced by kind of play, and play partner. In a simple rope scene, it may be agency. In a pain scene, it might be strength or endurance. If there is D/s involved, it’s status. But in any case, the thing the sub agrees to give up is transferred actively to the top in the form of power and control. The sub is degraded in direct proportion to the empowerment of the top. And I think it’s really important to note that while the word “degradation” normally carries a hugely negative connotation, when used in a BDSM context I am not necessarily implying something unpleasant or negative. Becoming reduced or “less than” can be a really wonderful experience when that’s what you want.

When I sub, I want to feel like you are worth more than I am. I want to feel lesser than you. I want you to feel like More than me. I will do what I can to allow you to feel that way. If I’m the top in the scene, I want to feel like I’m better than you are. I want to feel more powerful. I want my status to be elevated. In play involving really intense Power Exchange, I want the bottom to feel degraded on multiple levels; I want them (or me) to feel like their needs and wants don’t matter at all; I even want them (or me) to feel that their only desire is to please and elevate the top; therefore a total loss of ego on the part of the bottom is the ultimate goal. This is the essence of degradation for me, and it plays an important part in my overall concept of kink.

A subset of Degradation is:

Objectification

To objectify: [I am using the classic feminist definition for the purposes of this entry; it seems more relevant to our kink definitions of “objectification”] The seven features of objectification are
1. instrumentality (to treat as a tool used for a purpose)
2. denial of autonomy
3. inertness (to treat as though lacking in agency)
4. fungibility (to treat as though interchangeable with other objects)
5. violability (to treat as though lacking in boundaries)
6. ownership (to treat as though capable of being bought or sold)
7. denial of subjectivity (to deny the validity or the existence of the object’s thoughts/feelings)

While Degradation implies a lowering or reduction of these things (rank, status, worth, strength, etc), Objectification implies an elimination of these qualities. I have told people in the past that I love to be objectified; now I realize that isn’t strictly true. I have learned that in order to be fulfilled in my kink, I need to feel like an active participant in it. I think it takes a special kind of mindset to feel that one’s active participation in a scene goes only as far as surrendering one’s right to self. It’s difficult for me to find that particular mindset when it’s needed.

Now, if someone is attempting to objectify me and I’m not actually expected to “act” like an object (that seems like an oxymoron) – then that makes for a hot scene. I do enjoy the dilemma posed when the goal is to objectify me (for the pleasure of the top) but I’m unwilling to do so (for the preservation of my pride). There is a give and take there; I’m required to actively subjugate my own pride for the pleasure of the top and I feel like I’m participating in something. If I’m to be an object from the get-go, I get bored. The one kind of objectification I nearly always like is sexual objectification – I love to be reduced to a body or even a body part for use. (The feminist in me is pitching a fit as I write this, but deep down, she loves that I’m owning my sexual desires this way.)


So, patient readers, there you have it. My own personal breakdown of the age-old Humiliation vs. Shame vs. Embarrassment vs. Degradation vs. Objectification question.

(*)The top in me goes: “Attracted to AND repelled by? Internal conflict! HOT.”

 

This writing was kindly lent to us by MrsB.

More of her writings can be found on her blog: Marginalia