A few days ago, someone said in a message “I hope you don’t mind that I’ve asked around about you”.
I don’t mind at all. In fact, it makes me feel better. The more someone asks about me, the more it shows me they are sane and like to play safe.
The same goes for questions people ask me. Everything a potential partner asks me makes me feel safer about playing with them.
As a top my risks are different. I might not have to worry about someone tying me up and abusing me in ways I didn’t agree to, but I do have to think about whether or not someone is really giving me their informed consent. I need to know that they take their own health and safety seriously – how can I expect someone to care about me if they don’t show any signs of caring for themselves?
Some questions I like to hear:
- How long have you been doing this type of play?
- What can go wrong?
- How did you learn how to do it?
- Who else have you done this with?
- Have you ever had a problem and injured someone?
- What will you do if something goes wrong?
On the other hand, NOT asking certain questions will make me very nervous. Especially someone who doesn’t show any interest or concern in my safer sex practices, that is a red flag for me that will usually end the negotiations.
Within very general limits I can do pretty much whatever I want to with my partners – but we didn’t start off that way. At first we went through very detailed negotiations, and over time trust was built up both ways. It has come about from me repeatedly doing what I said I would do, and them continuously showing me they were giving me their informed consent to do so.
This article was kindly lent to Utah TNG by Mr.O
Here is the original writing on fetlife.