If you know everything, this piece will bore you.
First of all, welcome to the new girl. I hope your journey here wasn’t as confusing as mine was. Here’s a little bit of personal experience to any new person to the lifestyle. There are a lot of big bad wolves out there, who might be looking for a tasty treat in the forest just as there are a whole bunch of little Red Riding Hoods, who might not know you have power to not be made a snack. To start, learn as much as you can about the things you are interested in. Soak it all up. Take your time.
So, some night a long, long time ago, I began surfing the net. I found subsfordoms. I found Domsforsubs. I found Alt. No. No. No. It just wasn’t right and I knew it. Then the skies opened, the angels sang, the trumpets blared and I came across Fetlife. I was “newbutwilling” and I was ready to SERVE…dammit!
I was invited by all kinds of kinky masters to train me. They would dominate and control when I was allowed to come, urinate, eat and hydrate. Every facet of my life would be under their watchful internet eye. They would teach me what it took to worship, serve, obey. I thought, “Okay…now we’re getting somewhere”. They were creepy dudes from states you try not to drive through. They were from all kinds of new and exotic places. No pictures. No information on their profiles about themselves. Just hundreds of female friends with amazing pussy and nipple clamp shots. Immediate demands. I was to never ask questions, but devote all my trust in them and their super masterly powers.
Then one day, out of the blue I got a message. “Hey, my name is so-and-so, welcome to Fet.” I was very excited to get more than just a “hit your knees you cunt” message. Here’s how the rest of it went.
“My wife and I saw that you are “newbutwilling”. You must certainly be making a lot of new friends. They clearly knew I was. “How would you feel about meeting us for dinner or coffee and maybe having us share some of our experience about how we found the scene and how we connected our kink to nurture the relationship that we have built?” Key words I had not considered up until this point: “Sharing”, “Connected”, “relationship”. Up until that point, I was living with many assumptions. I agreed to have dinner with them. They were the first kinksters I’d ever met! I was thrilled that at last…All my dreams would come true!
I instantly began absorbing what their dynamic looked like. It had taken them YEARS from the time they met to where I had met up with them. Theirs was a gradual development of trust, communication, honesty and willingness on both their parts to sacrifice and compromise. “You mean, this isn’t a find your dom without knowing anything about him or myself?”
It took time for the two of them to learn how to interact where it served both of them equally. “Wait, so I have to patiently wait while developing my own sense of who I am, what I’m about and what I really want?” He was a gentleman. She acted like a lady. She looked up to him. She adored him. He never said a harsh word. This wasn’t a matter of him bossing her around. He clearly cared about her well-being and not just getting laid. It was obvious that he adored her as much, if not more. He ordered. We talked.
They asked me really humiliating questions like “are you willing to…(insert wackadoo idea that someone may have or never had come up with). They didn’t ask me to embarrass me; they asked because those were ideas that actually transpired where one person in the dynamic was pleased and one ended up in the hospital, or the police department pressing charges.
The conversation continued.
“What are you really looking for?” “Do you know what you want?” “Well…I….”
“Do you know what negotiation means?” “Do you know what a hard limit is?”
“Do you feel safe in saying you are not comfortable with something?”
“Are you comfortable with anonymous meetings or would you like to have an intimate partnership”. “Do you know all that goes into the Master/Servant dynamic?” “There is a difference between M/s and D/s ya know”, and the conversation went on. Well, no…I didn’t know any of that.
The truth is, as it turned out, I knew nothing. I knew I had a kinky mind. I knew I wanted someone who could work my largest sex organ. I knew that finding other people who “lived” this lifestyle was like coming home. As it turns out, that’s all I knew. For some women not wearing a bra in public is kinky. For some it looked like hard-core impact play. Do I even like pain? I honestly did not know.
“If you’d like, we’d be happy to help you navigate. You can see if submission is “really” who you are or if it’s a bedroom dynamic and by the way, here are some directions to start you on your path”. They gave me a list of daily challenges. The first was to change my handle to a less “willing” name. The next was to call regularly. They provided a book that introduced terms and definitions and other pertinent information. For fun they gave a checklist of things for me to review and check off as yes, no, maybe and NEVER. There were a LOT of nevers when I first was introduced. I listed them as mentors. Both of them. A dominant male and his submissive bride.
Soon, the “hit your knees cunt” messages ended. I no longer received friend requests by the dozens. They suggested I attend groups for submissives. I thought to myself, how am I ever gonna meet my one twue Dom by hanging out with a bunch of submissive women? What? Knitting? Surely that is NOT my thing! But, it was to hear the experience of others. And to slow my ass down from sub frenzy to cool, calm, collected decision maker. It was to learn from their mistakes and greatest achievements. Meeting HIM wasn’t as important as figuring out who I really was. I wanted to nurture the submissive side of myself first because the person I’m guaranteed to have to live with till death is ME.
The mentorship didn’t last long. I wasn’t able to comply with the daily tasks. There were too many distractions in my daily life. My family and work HAD to come first and life was just punching the gas pedal pretty hard. And, as a good Dominant, he had put firm boundaries in place and it was up to me to adhere or bow out. Here was an invaluable lesson on firm boundaries and a real sense of discipline. Mind officially blown! I wasn’t running “that” show, that much was clear! All that to say that I am eternally grateful that there were people out there who cared enough about the integrity of the community and the safety of the new girl.
What I learned from the brief experience was paramount to a safe and fun experience. I really DID learn to just not trust any Tom, Dick or Harry that professed to be a Twue Dom …online…with my body, mind and emotional state. I learned the differences between dynamics. I learned how to ask for what I wanted, wait until it’s the right time and do it safely. I learned to nurture curiosity, ask as many questions without being a pain in the ass and learn as much as I could about as many subjects as I could.
I learned I could say no. I learned about creating and upholding my own boundaries. I learned that my safety was not only his responsibility. It was mine as well. I learned that the community is important for recognizing the reputations of certain people and if those people refused to be a part of, then to proceed with caution. I learned to inform myself as best as possible and know what I want versus what I need.
To this day, I consider many people on Fet to be great mentors. I know pillars of both sides of the slash. I am never afraid to ask anyone for anything. I never did find my one twue dom, but what I received in exchange is invaluable to me. Open relationships with people of all kinds. I’ve gained a level of acceptance of people’s differences. I can look at that and say, “that’s cool for you” and be happy that you’re getting your kicks.
So, if you’re new and you have a lot of questions, I would suggest getting a mentor. The relationship and experience will be well worth the time you spend looking for who you are and what you want.
THANK YOU…EVERYONE…for your amazing responses and feedback.
K&P because YOU all took it there!
Be safe out there. 🙂
This article waws kindly lent to Utah TNG by Scarlett13
Here is the original writing on Fetlife.