How many times have we seen this posted in groups, sent in messages, as a status, “new Dom to the scene and want to explore”. First let me say I think it’s exciting to see BDSM turning into less of a Taboo act. I find it unfortunate the reason is because a crappy novel was written by an ill-formed author but the fact that one crappy novel has turned BDSM into an actual topic of discussion is a wonderful thing. The more who try to understand the less we have to hide in the shadows.
A pitfall to the mainstream of society finding out about closed door activities is sometimes a new person to the scene might have a difficult time locating correct and safe information on how to practice BDSM. Enter sites like Fetlife, a place where people can ask questions, discuss issues, and seek answers. Fetlife can be a wonderful tool for a new person to the scene to fill their head with knowledge. It can also serve as a hunting ground for predators who are looking for their next victim to abuse. An unfortunate side effect but the world can be a dark place and wherever there is Light there will also always be Dark.
When I am contacted by someone new to the scene my first question is, “Have you gone to any events?” I wish I would have started going to events a lot sooner than I had but no point in lamenting the past, I go to events now and it has made all the difference. Events are a way to put an actual face to an avatar. They are a way to safely meet someone from the internet as you as surrounded by others who are there with you. Events also allow you to meet other like minded people by providing an opportunity to see if you have chemistry with a potential partner in a “no pressure, no expextations” type setting, (espically Munches). I personally like to use events as a way to vet potential playmates by requesting they met me at an event first before any play takes place. If they are unwilling to fulfil such an easy request then they are unworthy of my time and attention.
Knowledge is power. This is a phrase most of us are familiar with because it holds true throughout time. The more informed we are the better decisions we can make which will hopefully result in the outcome we are looking for. This goes for most, if not all things in life not just BDSM but is especially important for BDSM. Being knowledgeable is your greatest weapon in keeping yourself and others safe. As a new Dom, being knowledgeable will allow you to safely top you submissive without fear of breaking them beyond repair. As a sub, being knowledgeable will allow you to recgonize a Dom who’s objectives are much more selfish and dangerous which can cause damage to your person if not corrected.
This is so important I’m going to say this again.
Being informed about BDSM will help you recgonize red flags for potential danger.
In mainstream society most of us are aware the wolrd is full of selfish people out there who are more concerned about their own wants and needs more than the person they are with. Those assholes who treat you like a princess and then never call you again after you finally have sex with them. Well guess what? Now that BDSM has started to enter into the mainstream those same assholes have found a new playground for hunting. They now have the chance to invole from just a typical one night stand, “they charm, they fuck, they leave”. To a much more dangerous one night stand filled with BDSM debauchery, “they charm, they slap, smack, flog, fuck, they leave”. I’m honestly not sure if one is worse than the other because they both require a certain level of asshole to achieve such horrible mind set. They have no concern for aftercare because they know they won’t be around long enough for it to matter to them.
Aftercare is extremely important!! I mean super important guys! We cut ourselves open, sometimes literally and most of the time emotionally, every time we play. One has to be prepared for the possibility for drop to occur. That sinking lonely feeling where, even though you’re completely surrounded by people, you still feel as if you are utterly alone…or maybe that’s just me. No matter how you experience it, it’s common for drops to occur. Your brain receives a rush of endorphins and all those other yummy chemicals that floods you with the warm tingling feeling of happiness. Drop is like a sugar crash and it’s important for your mental health to try to counter act it as much as possible. If a Dom doesn’t even take the time to check in, make sure their submissive is doing ok, eating chocolate, listening to music, filling their head with good vibes once again, then that’s a Dom one should avoid.
The Doms who forgo protocols to address an owned slave/sub directly. The ones who claim to have experience but when asked, “How do you provide aftercare to your bottoms?” not only have no idea what you mean but see aftercare as an unnecessary subject to even mention. The Doms who don’t take the time to negotiate a scene with you before play has even started. The Doms, who frankly, don’t give a shit about and will leave you feeling used, abused, and unwanted when they are done. They exist and they are dangerous. Being well informed about BDSM will help you develop your own vetting process so you have a better advantage of avoiding them. You will know the right questions to ask and have a better idea on what a correct responds should be.
Speaking as a Dom who doesn’t have years of experience under my belt, I feel much more comfortable playing with someone when we have both discussed our limits and limitations. Where I should and shouldn’t hit if it’s an impact scene. Do you have any medical conditions? Do you want humiliation play? What should I say to put you in the right space? What words could be a possible trigger for you? What your safety word is?!?! These questions don’t even being to scratch the surface on everything that needs to be cover they are just offering an example of what should be asked by both parties. If you are reading this and are thinking, “That’s more personal information than I wish to give anyone.” Then you should really ask yourself if BDSM is right for you.
Engaing in play can be an extremely intiament act. You are opening yourself up to another in a way which gives them power over you. Why would you want to hand that over so freely without any forethought to the outcome? Giving someone the power to potentially bring you to your breaking point is a lot of responsibility, why give such responsibility to someone you are not able to trust?
Trust they will keep you safe. Trust they are able to make sure their “toys” are in better condition than they were when they got them. Trust that they are just as much there for you as they are for themselves. Trust that can only be gained through knowledge.
Being knowledgeable about BDSM will help you navigate these kinky waters which still have to be sailed in the shadows. Let the knowledge you obtain about BDSM be your lighthouse to safe shores while helping you to avoid the rocks. The more knowledge you have the brighter your lighthouse will be.
This writing has been kindly lent to us by Busty_McGee from Fetlife.
Here is the Original Writing
Here is her Fetlife Profile