“New ‘Dom’ on the scene ready to play” by Busty McGee

 

How many times have we seen this posted in groups, sent in messages, as a status, “new Dom to the scene and want to explore”. First let me say I think it’s exciting to see BDSM turning into less of a Taboo act. I find it unfortunate the reason is because a crappy novel was written by an ill-formed author but the fact that one crappy novel has turned BDSM into an actual topic of discussion is a wonderful thing. The more who try to understand the less we have to hide in the shadows.

A pitfall to the mainstream of society finding out about closed door activities is sometimes a new person to the scene might have a difficult time locating correct and safe information on how to practice BDSM. Enter sites like Fetlife, a place where people can ask questions, discuss issues, and seek answers. Fetlife can be a wonderful tool for a new person to the scene to fill their head with knowledge. It can also serve as a hunting ground for predators who are looking for their next victim to abuse. An unfortunate side effect but the world can be a dark place and wherever there is Light there will also always be Dark.

When I am contacted by someone new to the scene my first question is, “Have you gone to any events?” I wish I would have started going to events a lot sooner than I had but no point in lamenting the past, I go to events now and it has made all the difference. Events are a way to put an actual face to an avatar. They are a way to safely meet someone from the internet as you as surrounded by others who are there with you. Events also allow you to meet other like minded people by providing an opportunity to see if you have chemistry with a potential partner in a “no pressure, no expextations” type setting, (espically Munches). I personally like to use events as a way to vet potential playmates by requesting they met me at an event first before any play takes place. If they are unwilling to fulfil such an easy request then they are unworthy of my time and attention.

Knowledge is power. This is a phrase most of us are familiar with because it holds true throughout time. The more informed we are the better decisions we can make which will hopefully result in the outcome we are looking for. This goes for most, if not all things in life not just BDSM but is especially important for BDSM. Being knowledgeable is your greatest weapon in keeping yourself and others safe. As a new Dom, being knowledgeable will allow you to safely top you submissive without fear of breaking them beyond repair. As a sub, being knowledgeable will allow you to recgonize a Dom who’s objectives are much more selfish and dangerous which can cause damage to your person if not corrected.

This is so important I’m going to say this again.

Being informed about BDSM will help you recgonize red flags for potential danger.

In mainstream society most of us are aware the wolrd is full of selfish people out there who are more concerned about their own wants and needs more than the person they are with. Those assholes who treat you like a princess and then never call you again after you finally have sex with them. Well guess what? Now that BDSM has started to enter into the mainstream those same assholes have found a new playground for hunting. They now have the chance to invole from just a typical one night stand, “they charm, they fuck, they leave”. To a much more dangerous one night stand filled with BDSM debauchery, “they charm, they slap, smack, flog, fuck, they leave”. I’m honestly not sure if one is worse than the other because they both require a certain level of asshole to achieve such horrible mind set. They have no concern for aftercare because they know they won’t be around long enough for it to matter to them.

Aftercare is extremely important!! I mean super important guys! We cut ourselves open, sometimes literally and most of the time emotionally, every time we play. One has to be prepared for the possibility for drop to occur. That sinking lonely feeling where, even though you’re completely surrounded by people, you still feel as if you are utterly alone…or maybe that’s just me. No matter how you experience it, it’s common for drops to occur. Your brain receives a rush of endorphins and all those other yummy chemicals that floods you with the warm tingling feeling of happiness. Drop is like a sugar crash and it’s important for your mental health to try to counter act it as much as possible. If a Dom doesn’t even take the time to check in, make sure their submissive is doing ok, eating chocolate, listening to music, filling their head with good vibes once again, then that’s a Dom one should avoid.

The Doms who forgo protocols to address an owned slave/sub directly. The ones who claim to have experience but when asked, “How do you provide aftercare to your bottoms?” not only have no idea what you mean but see aftercare as an unnecessary subject to even mention. The Doms who don’t take the time to negotiate a scene with you before play has even started. The Doms, who frankly, don’t give a shit about and will leave you feeling used, abused, and unwanted when they are done. They exist and they are dangerous. Being well informed about BDSM will help you develop your own vetting process so you have a better advantage of avoiding them. You will know the right questions to ask and have a better idea on what a correct responds should be.

Speaking as a Dom who doesn’t have years of experience under my belt, I feel much more comfortable playing with someone when we have both discussed our limits and limitations. Where I should and shouldn’t hit if it’s an impact scene. Do you have any medical conditions? Do you want humiliation play? What should I say to put you in the right space? What words could be a possible trigger for you? What your safety word is?!?! These questions don’t even being to scratch the surface on everything that needs to be cover they are just offering an example of what should be asked by both parties. If you are reading this and are thinking, “That’s more personal information than I wish to give anyone.” Then you should really ask yourself if BDSM is right for you.

Engaing in play can be an extremely intiament act. You are opening yourself up to another in a way which gives them power over you. Why would you want to hand that over so freely without any forethought to the outcome? Giving someone the power to potentially bring you to your breaking point is a lot of responsibility, why give such responsibility to someone you are not able to trust?

Trust they will keep you safe. Trust they are able to make sure their “toys” are in better condition than they were when they got them. Trust that they are just as much there for you as they are for themselves. Trust that can only be gained through knowledge.

Being knowledgeable about BDSM will help you navigate these kinky waters which still have to be sailed in the shadows. Let the knowledge you obtain about BDSM be your lighthouse to safe shores while helping you to avoid the rocks. The more knowledge you have the brighter your lighthouse will be.

This writing has been kindly lent to us by Busty_McGee from Fetlife.

Here is the Original Writing

Here is her Fetlife Profile

Links for Local Organizations

Truthfully most local organizations operate on Fetlife. These are some that also have websites. If you are a local group that did not get representation here please contact us and we will rectify the situation.

Rocky Mountain Rebellion: A Leather convention in Utah and the host for the Rocky Mountain Person Of Leather competition.

Sin in the City: A Leather convention in Las Vegas and the Host for the International Person Of Leather competition.

Area 51 Fetish Ball: A monthly event hosted at Area 51 with music, drinks and fetish demos.

National Leather Association Utah: Utah’s regional chapter of the National Leather Association.

 

 

Online Links

Links for Online Learning, Dating, and Fun.

Social:

Fetlife Is like facebook for kinky people. It is a social networking site where you can meet people, find events and learn about various kinks. IT IS NOT A DATING SITE.

Collarspace: This is a kinky dating site. Your millage may vary but have fun.

The Daily Flogger: A satirical news site for kinksters

Leatherati: A newspaper for Leather people.

Education:

BDSM101:  This is a good site for people new to kink.

Kink Academy: A site full of kink related educational videos.

BDSMtest: A fun quiz that can give some insight into what kind of sexual deviant you are.

Dungeonnet: The most comprehensive directory of BDSM websites in the world. So they claim.

The Leather Archives: A Leather museum in Chicago.

Nation Coalition for Sexual Freedom: A legal resource for Kinky people.

Kink Aware Professionals Directory: Not many resources in Utah but helpful in other places.

Master Slave relationships:

MAsT

Best Slave Training

Dominant Submissive relationships:

Dominant Guide

Enslavement

Submissive Guide

A Submissive’s Journey

What is the Wristband System?

What is the wristband system?

At Utah TNG’s play parties, we’ve implemented a system of green, yellow, and red paper wristbands that are provided as you enter the party. Basically, the color of the wristband indicates how interested you are in being asked to play, which can be generalized — loosely — to how interested you are in finding pick-up play (that is, spontaneous play with someone you don’t have an established relationship with) at the party.

What do the different colors mean?

As you can guess, they basically correlate with the colors of a stoplight. Remember that the wristbands are really only guidelines for interactions with strangers. If you have a scene set up in advance, or you’re romantic partners or regular play partners, we won’t enforce this contrary to common sense (although even if you’re regular play partners, it’s never a bad idea to let a red flagger be the one to ask).

Green — “I’m actively looking for play.”

Green flaggers would like to find someone to play with. Don’t be shy; if they seem cool, ask away! It’s still a good idea to talk to them first, though. Remember that green flaggers are people too, and if they hesitate, or don’t seem excited, don’t push it; it’s always more fun to play with someone who’s as into it as you are.

Yellow — “I’m not actively looking for play.”

Yellow flaggers aren’t there to find pick-up play. They might consider it, if something sounds especially interesting, but it isn’t their first priority. A yellow flag means “socialize first.” Don’t approach a yellow flagger if your only goal is asking to play — if you hit it off, maybe they’ll ask you.

Red — “I’m not looking for play.”

Red flaggers might be new, or taken, or worn out from an earlier scene, or just not interested in pick-up play. In any case, they don’t want to be asked to play. A red flag doesn’t mean “don’t talk to me” — it just means “don’t ask me to play.” Chat, get to know them, make friends — just no propositions. If you’re flagging yellow or green, and you’re really getting along and you think they might want to play, let them prove it by being the one to ask.

That’s a lot of information. What are the specific rules?

  • Don’t ask a red flagger to play.
  • No matter their wristband, only ask someone to play once, unless they specifically tell you to ask again later. Badgering someone for play is never a good time for anyone.
  • No matter their wristband, don’t push when someone says no or gives you a non-answer (“I dunno” / “I’ll think about it” / etc). If they didn’t mean that as a no, or if they change their mind later, they can ask you. Always look for an explicit yes before you go forward.
  • Remember that you aren’t married to your wristband. If you change your mind as the night progresses, feel free to change it.

Which color should I pick?

Whichever one you think describes you. When in doubt, go with yellow. If this is your first party, we strongly recommend choosing red or, at most, yellow.

So can I ask a yellow flagger to play, or not?

Unfortunately, the only answer here is “maybe — use your best judgement.” If you think you have enthusiastic consent from them, and that they really, really want to play, you can probably ask. But if you’re flagging green, it’s never a bad idea to wait and let them be the one to “pop the question.”
Conversely, if you are flagging yellow or red, and you find you want to play with someone, you should be prepared to ask.

I just saw a red flagger playing. Isn’t that against the rules?

Not at all. A red flag doesn’t mean “I’m not going to play.” It means the flagger doesn’t want to be asked to play, especially not by strangers. They can still play if they have a scene set up in advance, or if they’re monogamous and playing with their partner, or if they asked someone else, and so on.

Do I have to wear one?

Not really — we won’t throw you out of a party if you aren’t. But we really encourage it, for your sake as well as the party’s.

What if someone isn’t wearing one?

If someone isn’t wearing a wristband, treat them like they’re flagging yellow.

What do I do if someone breaks the rules?

First, if you can, tell the rule-breaker what they did, and ask them to stop.
If you’re too shy, or too intimidated by the person in the moment to call them out — or even if you did tell them — find a DM, or a member of the TNG admin staff, and tell them about the problem.
If you don’t get a chance to bring it up at the party, or don’t realize how bad their behavior was until later, you can contact the TNG account or any TNG staff member, describing the incident. Promptness makes it easier for us to enforce things, but we know it sometimes takes a clear head and fresh set of eyes to realize how bad something was; we won’t treat late-reported incidents any less seriously than promptly reported ones (within reason, of course; if it happened two years ago, and wasn’t something like rape or ignoring a safeword, we probably won’t do much about it).

What do I do if someone makes me uncomfortable, but maybe didn’t break a rule?

Follow the same steps as above. We’ll talk about it and decide what action is appropriate, but we can only do that if we know about what happened. Please don’t stay silent. The last thing we need is a kink community Bill Cosby incident.

What’s the reason for the wristband system?

We at Utah TNG want our parties to be as safe and comfortable for all of the attendees as possible. We understand that it can be difficult to assert yourself, especially if you’re new or socially awkward; we also understand that a situation can make you uncomfortable even if you do successfully say no. We believe the wristband system will help people to avoid these situations by giving them more control over whether or not they need to reject people in the first place. In addition to that, we believe that this will make it more comfortable for people to ask others to play, because they’ll have a general idea, going into a conversation, how likely someone is to reject them (and, let’s face it — rejection blows).
For these reasons, and a few others, we believe that the wristband system will make our parties safer for our most vulnerable members, and more comfortable for everyone.

You didn’t answer my question.

Sorry! Contact us or talk to any Admin and we’ll do our best. If it’s an especially good question we’ll add it and our answer to the FAQ.

FAQ for Total Newbies

So you’re kinky, or at least curious. Where do you go from there? This guide should help you at least know where to start.

What is the kink community?

“The kink community” is a blanket term for a lot of different organizations and people who share a common interest in kinky activities. There may be several different organized groups within one geographic area, all with different goals and approaches; these can range from loosely-structured collectives (like Utah TNG) to heavily ritualistic, organized, old-school leather groups.
All of the groups together form the community (or “scene”). The goals and purpose of the community at large include arranging events and attempting to provide a safe, supportive environment for people to explore their interests.

Why a community?

Kink is a very private sort of thing, so it can seem odd at first that kinky people have structured themselves into a community. However, there are a lot of benefits to it:

  • A lot of kinky activities can be dangerous, especially in inexperienced hands; a community allows members to share knowledge, teach each other, and learn things they might not have access to otherwise.
  • It provides a way to vet people; if someone at a play party ignores someone’s safeword, or does something stupid and hurts someone else, the whole community knows and can take precautions or kick that person out. That can’t happen the same way within kink as practiced by individuals.
  • A lot of kink can require some really specific tools and equipment; any individual who isn’t a billionaire CEO isn’t going to be able to afford a nice, well-appointed dungeon, but a group as a whole can work together for that.

If I’m kinky, do I have to be involved in the community?

Of course not. There are plenty of people out there who are kinky as shit who would rather explore it in the privacy of their own bedroom, or who just aren’t interested in joining a community of like-minded perverts.
That being said, there are a lot of advantages to joining a kink community. Some of them are outlined in the “why a community?” section, but here are a few others:

  • Access to community resources like dungeon furniture.
  • It’s a great place to meet people who share your interests, or who you at least know are open to them.
  • It’s a fantastic way to be exposed to new ideas and new types of play. Sometimes you don’t even realize you’re into something until you see it in action, and suddenly it’s your new favorite thing.
  • You can make friends! The community is filled with all different kinds of people from all walks of life, all drawn together by shared interests and experiences. .

What differentiates Utah TNG from the other local groups?

Utah TNG — “The Next Generation” — is for younger participants, aged 18-35, and their partners. We aim to make sure that young new attendees are safe and comfortable as they get involved in the community and explore their interests; as such, our guidelines on consent are stronger than a lot of other groups’. We’re loosely-structured and fairly libertarian compared to the local leather organizations, and emphasize free expression of interests over structured roles.

I want to get involved. Where do I start?

The best place to get involved is by going to a “munch,” which is a laid-back, nonsexual gathering of kinky people. Munches are a good way to meet the community and learn the lay of the land. You can read all about munches in the “What is a Munch?” article
Another great way to get started is to reach out to the Utah TNG administrative staff online. The UtahTNG account is jointly managed by the admins, and the group leaders for the FetLife Utah TNG group are the administrators’ individual accounts.

I want to go to a party. How do I do that?

Utah TNG’s parties require a “sponsor” — someone who will vouch for you, that you aren’t likely to harm yourself or the other community members if you get involved. You can often find a sponsor by coming to a munch; if that doesn’t work with your schedule, contact the admins. We can set up a time to meet up with you for coffee (or whatever).

What are some things that will help if I want to get involved?

First of all, don’t be afraid to go to events. The best way to get involved in the community is, well, to get involved in the community. Go to events. Be polite. Volunteer to help. Be a nice person. Respect the community, and respect yourself, and you’ll be welcome.

What are some things I should avoid as I’m getting involved?

A common outside perception of the kink community is that it’s kind of “anything goes” — show up and some domme lady (“dominatrix,” as they always put it) might just decide to shove you into a gimp suit and make you her dog, whether you like it or not. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Power exchange relationships — where one person is dominant, or “on top” and the other is submissive or “on bottom” — only exist when they’re negotiated between two individual people. Maybe you feel like a born slave and want everyone to treat you like shit, or a born mistress and everyone should bow to you, but until you negotiate that with someone, you’re equals. Don’t demand that anyone call you by the title you’ve chosen, be it “slave,” “domina,” “sexbot 69k,” or anything else.
Don’t touch anyone, or anyone’s things, without their permission. Unless you have an established relationship, treat everyone with the same respect that you would treat any given vanilla stranger.
Don’t stereotype; don’t allow others to stereotype you. The most soft-spoken, meek, sweet young woman in the room can be the biggest sadist you’ve ever met; a huge, the-Rock-style hulking man-beast could be a submissive teddy bear. No matter who you are or how you identify, your role (or lack thereof) is your prerogative and no one else’s; don’t try to dictate anyone else’s, and don’t allow anyone to try and dictate yours.

What are some tips for staying safe?

Utah TNG has a lot of rules that are geared towards making sure that anyone, from any background, can be safe and comfortable in our spaces. If you’re young, shy, awkward, intimidated by the community, have trouble asserting yourself, or anything like that, we’ll do what we can to help and make sure you’re still able to have a good, safe time. However, beyond that, there are a few specific things that can help.

  • Be prepared to say no. As much as we try to encourage “yes means yes” at TNG, sometimes people just don’t take a hint; don’t agree to a scene if you aren’t comfortable with it.
  • Keep it public at first. If someone you don’t know very well invites you back to his private penthouse sex dungeon for the night, that’s actually a big red flag. Small, semi-private gatherings can be dangerous as well. It’s never a bad idea to get to know someone in a public setting, like a munch or a play party, before you agree to go anywhere private with them.
  • Ask for references. If you’re interested in playing with someone, but don’t know them well, ask them to refer you to someone they’ve played with before. If they don’t have anyone to refer you to, proceed with caution.
  • Find a mentor. You shouldn’t feel like you need to do this alone. Send a message to any of the TNG admin staff and we’ll help to answer your questions and introduce you to the community, or put you in touch with the resources you want. The TNG Minister of Compliance, Jane (jane-bondage), put this material together and is a good first contact point if you’re curious but unsure.
  • Don’t combine substance use and play. We have strict rules against alcohol and other drugs at our parties, and for good reason.

You didn’t answer my question.

Sorry! Send your question to UtahTNG or ask any admin and we’ll do our best. If it’s an especially good question we’ll add it and our answer to the FAQ.